For Flux Sake

Bach to the Future
Bach to the Future

At the time of commencing this blog entry, it is October 21st, 2015. A date geeks around the world know as Back To The Future day, the destination in time that Marty and Doc fling themselves to in said sequel.

Time Travel itself is an absurdly profound concept nestling in Sci-Fi territory which, going by my own simpleton logic of “no time traveller has ever come back to say hi”, is not possible. There’s also that lovely paradox about going back in time and killing you’re granny, I can fathom that one. But start discussing “folding time” and “worm holes” and it all starts getting a bit Brian Cox. As much as I’d love to understand it all, my beta-max of a brain just can’t keep up. Watching the Boffs and Proffs talk about quantum mechanics and theories of relativity just makes me feel like I’ve completely neglected the raw power of my brain and instead chosen to fill it with benign shit like film quotes, Level maps, and the words to The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.

So my inferior noggin can just about compute the basic concept and some straight forward theories. For example, some egg heads believe time itself does travel at different speeds in relation to the ever expanding galaxy. So if we’re talking just about accelerating time, in principle time travel is possible…. Possible, until now!
I can PROVE time manipulation is achievable! I’ve cracked it. Not wanting to blow my own trumpet, but I have found a completely fool-proof way of manipulating / accelerating time, accelerating it massively and uncontrollably. And millions of us are doing it already.

Have a kid.

Now, if you haven’t had children, this next paragraph is going to sound like another dreary rant from a tired parent bleating on about the hardships of raising children……… Because It is. If you haven’t had kids, then go and have a sleep you lucky bastard! Go and sleep like a baby, a term only people that have never had a baby use.

The sole piece of advice I give every expectant parent i meet is always the same; “prepare for you’re life to hit fast forward”.
No one ever shared this vital nugget with me, and for me it was by far the biggest shock of the whole human producing spunk fuelled gene-splice. And my god, I can’t express enough how this is not an exaggeration. Whereas before I was casually playing through my time on earth like a lazy Sunday, suddenly I’m hurtling through existence, plummeting ever closer to Game Over by the second. Days just evaporate into nothing. Hours spin uncontrollably round like a teenage tongues first french kiss. I still accidentally write the year as “14” when I write the the date. It’s nearly 2016 for fuck sake!
Another crude example, bearing in mind when I started this it was 21st October, look at the date I actually finished and uploaded it!!! Absurd! And I have nothing to show for that time. I can’t remember anything I’ve done of any significance. And that’s despite being awake for a far greater percentage than what I was sans spawn.

I’m sure this will plateau as the kids get older, fuck me I hope it does. I miss the lazy days where my agenda consisted of; sleep, toast, sit in pants watching telly, play xbox, wank, repeat. Days I used to write off as wasting my life, I now yearn for! I had a day to myself about five months ago. An entire ten hours to myself. No work, no wife, no kids, no chores. I did absolutely shit-all other than what it says above. And it was fucking amazing. Honestly felt like i had just been on a two week holiday. I was rejuvenated.

Any who, that’s enough about kids, I’m sure they will crop up frequently enough, whereas time travel is a bit more niche… So; pop quiz hot shot! Ask yourself, if you could travel back to any moment in time, what would it be? Y’know, like, go see the dinosaurs, try to stop Hitler, see how the Virgin Mary really got pregnant, that sort of thing. Have a think.

And then the second one for you, if you could go back in time to any day, just the day, from you’re own life, to live it again without changing it, what day would you choose?
Now initially, I’m sure a lot of people would say stuff like the birth of their child. But think about it guys… Really think about what that whole day(s) entailed! Besides that one moment, you’ve forgotten haven’t you. Try and remember what that day was like, as in the boredom, the tiredness, the hunger, the resentment, the guilt, the impatience! Likewise for mums but replace all that with flange-pummeling agony. No thanks.
Some other cliché moments I’ve contemplated include losing my virginity. Not exactly sexually confident, this was nothing more than a terrifying ordeal of nerves, sweat, premac and apologies. Why would I want to live that again? How about my first wank. A moment as bewildering as it was exciting. A bit of a late bloomer in this department, my first wank was actually an accident! It was after a sex education class at school and the boys were all given Jonnies to take home to practice putting them on. Which I struggled with, only to unexpectedly fill the thing up! A sense of exhilaration washed over me like, well, like the spunk subsequently being flung over my socks! (socks are always the closest thing to hand!) In an instant I was tarnished and spent the next few months producing more gloop than Ghostbusters 2. One moment I would relish reliving, I was about eight I think. In junior school in a packed assembly. And my internal workings orchestrated the most bass filled floor trembling cacophony of a fart I have ever produced, which led to an ever growing chain reaction of kids losing their shit, leading to a good 30% of the entire school in uncontrollable giggles for the remainder of the assembly. Still makes me chuckle thinking about it.

Back to the first one, any point in time? It’s an overwhelming prospect to pick any point in the history of the universe, but I don’t think I would fit in in any period other than my collective presents. I’m too accustomed to creature comforts, to endless entertainment. I’ve never had to experience war. Or any significant disaster or unnatural loss. When I actually think about it, my lifes alright. So you can just pop me straight back up my mums fallopian tubes and I’ll do it all again thank you very much

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